How to Go Wine Tasting
By
Fran Benavidez
In recent times, wine tasting has ripened into a very chic activity, leaving many people bottled up with a great deal of confusion as to how it’s done. So, grab a glass and a shapely bottle of something with an alcohol %, and join me as we uncork the exquisite mystery of tasting wine.
First, pick a designated driver, one who has either lost his taste buds or is too young to drink. Better yet, rent a limo so you and your tasting amigos can enjoy the fruits of the valley’s labor free from guilt and wreckage. Your loved ones will thank you later.
Choose a Flight
Wine tasting can involve some fairly rigorous standing for long periods of time; depending on what size flight you pick. For your safety, this journey is firmly planted on solid ground. Flights refer to the choice of varietals presented by a winery for tasting. Some may offer a flight of three selections, while others will want you to taste every wine they’ve produced in the last five years. This may require stamina and maybe a big steak feast before attempting to consume. A few too many sips and next thing you know, you’re signing on the wine club’s dotted line, helplessly watching as two cases of Ultra-Premium-Reserve-$tuff is merrily carted out to your Buick.
Dress to Swill
Many tasting rooms have gift shops, where they offer wine themed jewelry, clever hats and polo shirts bearing the winerys’ logo. To my knowledge, there is no set dress code for what to wear while you taste. I have observed a sign that declares, “We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone appearing intoxicated,” which leads me to believe that, a) One could wander in, dressed as a pole dancer, but who does not appear to be intoxicated, and swig away, or b) Mummy’s precious white Pekingese, who holds court in a Coach handbag, could partake in a nip or two, as long as she is 21 in dog years and
her bark is not as slurred as her bite.
One note of caution: do not wear white, especially while tasting reds, which, according to a color wheel, will turn your shirt pink. If it’s white you must wear, then you have to carry a Tide stick. In addition, do not wear perfume or cologne. Tasters want to smell the honeysuckle coming out of their glass, not from your Gucci. The only attention you will draw will be the indignation of every taster in the room.
A nice pair of jeans works well, just as Bob Mondavi must slip on a pair from time to time, as he plods through the vineyards. A pair of Levi 5Opus1’s anybody?
On a recent jaunt to an impressive-but-way-overpriced tasting room, I observed a giggling gaggle of girls, all part of a giddy bridal gig, writhe up to the tasting bar, clad in matching black tee shirts, strategically emblazoned with “We Swallow!,” followed with “good wine.” Retailers know a good marketing ploy when they see it.
What Would Robert Parker Do?
On the infinite subject of swirling your wine glass, or “oxygenating,” as it is known, many intimidating and useless wine guides have deliberated as to whether one
should raise the glass, or set the goblet on the counter, then swirl. This practice helps to “open up the flavors” in the wine. If the foremost authority in the wine industry, Robert Parker, walked into the room at this moment, I might be compelled to raise my glass and whirl away. Parker’s well-paid palate is to the wine industry what Alan Greenspan’s financial opinion meant to our economy. At any prime rate, I’ll bet Parker pops his corks just like the rest of us. I wonder if he carries a Tide stick. More to the point, can he repeat the word “vouvray” 10 times, really fast?
Nirvana in a Glass
After swirling your modest pour, burrow your nose into the glass as far as you can. People blessed with hook-shaped noses are physically superior at perfecting this technique. Close your eyes and inhale deeply. In wine circles, this looks surprisingly cool. What do you smell? A bowl of ripe cherries mixed with a dozen pink roses on the mid palate, followed by a hint of tree bark, with just a flicker of barnyard on the finish? It’s all there. The more you can smell the more hip you will appear, causing fellow wine tasters to form a semi-circle around the counter as they practically lift you upon their shoulders, chanting over your every observation. Through transcendence, they too, will smell the cherries and maybe even a barnyard or two. Give yourself a pat on the back for detecting the aromas of “fresh hay,” click your Keds together and repeat “vooway” ten times, really fast.
Save the Best for Last
Now that you’ve settled into your tasting routine, you will notice the pole stripper has just left the building with a case of Lust and Robert Parker’s Tide stick. At the other
end of the counter, Fifi’s Chateau La Paws have turned to an interesting shade of blush rosé, and she’s backing barkward. And, is that a wine label stuck to your forehead? Now grab your tasting notes and repeat “whoozray” ten times, really fast.
Finally, raise the glass to your eager mouth and longingly slurp the wine between your waiting lips. Close your eyes and swish the juice around like mouthwash, savoring all the decadent flavors as they languorously bathe over your tongue, then swallow. Open your eyes, turn sideways toward your tasting buddies, who will undoubtedly be rolling in hysterics, smack your lips together, and proclaim, “Ahhh…this stuff tastes pretty good to me.”
